Deaths Adventures

The final god damnit.

2006-01-26T17:30:42Z

So, this journal has passed its prime. Haha, no it hasn't, the last post was amusing, I am just fucking with you guys. But I am closing it. I kinda left it last time with no explanation or reason as to why I haven't updated in over a month? Why? Because livejournal is stupid and I hate it. The only reason I WAS using it is because its easy, and I am lazy. But now I have a website, where you can find all the fucking excellent entries from this livejournal (Not the stupid shit ones because they are stupid and shit) but without the comments, and dickheads.
The URL for the website? www.cjb.cc/members/wwiii don't expect too much in short times because like already stated, I am fucking lazy. So if you go there, see nothing, then come back here and say "Your site has no content" I am going to... do nothing, but it would be stupid of you and by reading this you are entering a mental contract where by if you go there, come back, and tell me it has no content, then you are a fuckface, and I want you to die.
Whats even more exciting about my website, is that its like, my old entries are... upgraded. Shit I wanted to say but couldn't be bothered, better analogies and jokes! Basically I am adding and rewriting bits and pieces to make it funnier and better to read and to make myself look better because thats what websites are for. So from now on if you want to add comment or do some other stupid shit like... I don't know, send me quizzes? You will have to email me. Yes, life is hard, but if you're so desperate to comment you will go to the effort.

g.death@gmail.com!

That is where you can find me. This journal will remain active for say... two or three weeks, so if you have anything to post or comment or say to me with the convenience of Livejournal replies, and sometimes the added bonus on anonymous posting, then now is your chance! Go team!

I hate subway.

2005-12-12T09:34:35Z

So, in my last post I said I would state why I hate subway. And so here goes...

I've hated Subway for some time now, people are always like "You don't really hate subway, you love Subway, everyone loves Subway you fucking scrooge" But in reality, I really really fucking hate Subway.
Firstly, when I go out for fast food, that what I want it to fucking be... fast. I don't want to wait in a fucking line for like, 40 minutes for a goddamn sandwich, thats just not how I assume fast food operates. You go in, you order, they have your food, you take it, and then you leave. End of story. Not subway though, because Subway is fucking retarded.
Secondly, I know that fast food is not good for me. Its fatty, and its not going to help me lose weight... Do I need a healthy kind of fast food to diet? No I fucking don't. If I wanted to fucking lose weight, I wouldn't eat fucking fast food you retard Subway. You're encouraging people, would you stop it?
Thirdly, and this is probably the biggest reason, is that when I go out for fast food, I don't want to have to fucking make the fucking food for fucks sake! I can't decide what to eat, and thats why fucking fast food chains need to tell me what I am supposed to eat! If I had to pick out every ingredient individually, I would fucking eat at home for a fraction of the price! To make matters worse, when you go to Subway you gotta fucking interact with these fucking "Sandwich Artists" Let me tell you something you fucking pimply teenager, you make fucking sandwiches, you're not a goddamn artist. I don't wanna talk to you at all. I want to go in, place an order, and have it delivered to me as opposed to fucking standing there and replying to your fucking 10 minute quiz on what I should have on a fucking sandwich. I'll have a Chicken sub please? Not that simple... I gotta fucking pick bread? I don't fucking know! Plain flavour? Then theres fucking types of cheese and all sorts of fucking shit. On top of this, Subway don't seem to operate off a standard menu, if you order a sub and just say "I'll fucking have it as its supposed to be, like, make it standard man, don't fuck me around I could blow this place apart, I know you guys aint artists" and then they have no fucking clue as to what to put on the sandwich, and you end up with a fucking piece of bread, some chicken, some green peppers and some fucking barbeque sauce or some other equally fucking gross combination.

In short, I fucking hate you Subway. I hate you too Jared, no-one cares that you got thin, fat guys are funnier anyway.

Long bi-monthly post of nothing at all.

2005-12-02T17:21:56Z

So, the other day right, I am going to Glendale and K8 is driving, and we're listening to stuff. We're headed to Glendale because I got this DVD and it needs to be returned (Wrong Choice, right?) and so we're on our way over, and these three cars with signs on them saying that Kmart is open at Glendale now. So its like, shit bitch you know this fucker = packed. So we get there (the formation sign driving was pretty sweet, it was better than Kmart itself) and its packed as predicted. I go into Glendale and I get Kate to exchange my DVD, coz I fucking hate talking to store clerks. By the way, if I haven't already written out why I fucking hate Subway on my livejournal, then I will post that next time. So we get a refund, and this DVD was intended as a gift, so we go over to the DVD section of the store, and theres this quasi-semi-bogan trollop talking at full fucking volume while I am browsing for DVD's. Because, I am an ass, and I don't really like anyone much less people who annoy me I shout "I AM GLAD I DO NOT TALK LOUDLY IN THE STORES". It was funny, and it reminded me of that bit in Anchorman were Ron goes:

"YOUCANHAVEMYOFFICEANDPERHAPSAFTERWARDSWECANGOTOLUNCH"

Whether or not the semi-quasi-anti-virii-cacti-mega bogan heard me being funny was not known, we can only hope. So, after Target, which was cool because my DVD came half price and I avoided another clerk by not getting my reciept highlighted, we head over to like, Kmart.

Now, let me say...

Kmart fucking sucks ass, everyone who shops there is ugly and smells bad and everyone who works there manages to put out equal amounts of ugly radiance god I fucking hate that fucking spawn of Satan store, I will never go there again, I hate you, whoever you are, K. Take your mart and fuck off.

Kmart did not excite me. It looks like Waratah Kmart with a fucking industrial steel roof, and more of the same shit. Its even got the same fucking layout. EB at Glendale also fucking sucks. So anyway after that we decided to go to Garden City (fuck it, no-one calls it Westfeild) which takes a route right past Mitchells house. So, being generally nice, and not wanting to waste my own credit at the same time, I send him a text message telling him to call me, knowing full well that the response will be "No" and I will spend more time and money fuckassing around with fucking text messages than what it would take for me to just call him. So I fucking texted him anyway, and he sent me back another message saying I wasn't going to overtake him as the local cheapskate. Shit, he coulda used his home phone. Regardless, there was then back and forth message banter which ended up costing me more than a call. He came with us anyway.

Now, I come to a very important part of the story. Because I fucking beat you mitchell, and this is what you get for wasting my credit, I will be the first to post this, despite the fact that its more than acceptable for you to post it to. I just won, deal.
We were driving towards Garden City and theres a fucking Peacock crossing the damn road. Not being one to alarm easily I casually state to K8 who is driving "Hey, watch out for that peacock". Mitchell proceeds to state that is the first time he has ever heard that sentence uttered, and I have to agree. There was a peacock crossing the road. This may not seem exciting, but we don't do a lot of shit, we don't see fucking peacocks normally, let alone a fucking peacock crossing the road. Let the records state there was no indication of a peacock crossing. The event took us entirely by surprise. Also there was no squashed peacock on the way back, we can only assume it arrived safely and perhaps a little late.

We got to Garden City, and Mitchell bought shit from EB. EB at Garden City fucking dwarfs EB at Glendale. We saw some bogans outside, they sat in circles and smoked cigarettes, they also created such an aura of darkness, the light bent around them. This was confusing because perhaps they were just dense. We then proceeded to go to JB Hi-Fi, which is my favourite CD shop in Newcastle due to its large range of CD's and constant bargain $17 CD's and 2 for $20 CD's, some of which rock major ass. I bought the final Soilwork LP needed to complete my Soilwork collection, and I am happy, becuase they are my favourite band ever. Mitchell got home after dark, his mum wasn't upset. The reason he needed to be home early got cancelled anyway.

Also, its now safe to say that David Letterman and Oprah are friends again. Their interview was aired here about 3 hours ago and everything went off without a hitch. I personally would like to congratulate them both, as I know both are avid readers of my journal. And so ends my bi-monthly post. Come back around halfway through december, for a possible post about pre-christmas and why I fucking hate Subway. Unless I've already spoken about that, in which case read it again.

Now, I'm not a religious man...

2005-11-15T16:47:43Z

I have recently come to realise that despite the fact that I don't like people following religion, I have become sickly obsessed with it. I have read many many religious texts, probably moreso than most practicing christians or muslims or jews or whatever. I feel that this has given me a greater understanding of the way this stuff works.
I have researched both sides of all the common arguments, and I'm sure you can guess which side makes the most sense. I have read books written by christians which are such thinly veiled recruitment material, I'm surprised I have not yet run to my local church, slammed down a $5 note, and announced "Sign me up motherfucker, and hit me with your god-stick."
Now, to me, when you're going to devote your life to something, you should do some fucking research first right? (Don't worry, I'm not opting for the god-stick) I mean, why throw yourself headfirst into something that you know very little about. Most people of faith read their religious scriptures AFTER they have fucking joined the club. Its like signing your name over to a secret society, and then saying "What? I have to drink my own urine every day? I should've read that fucking contract a little better" to which they would be hit with the reply "FUCK YEAH YOU STUPID DICKHEAD! Now, if you don't mind, unzip and drink up."
So anyway, these books on religion I have been reading are obviously specifically designed to prey on the stupid who can't really fathom what the fuck is going on.

As an example.

Recently I have been reading this book, called "In 6 days, Why 50 scientists choose to believe in creation." Now, forgive me for being a little stupid when it comes to science, but even so, I realise that the subject of science is pretty fucking broad, right? There are scientists in this book who work in mechanical engineering... Now, maybe God is the best engineer yet, however, what the fuck would that guy know about creation? He's a fucking mechanical engineer. Thats fucking pushing the boundary of the term scientist as is. But you know that some guy is gonna fucking read this, and go "Shit.. if scientists believe in it... its gotta be right, right?" And with little more thought than that, they'll storm off to the nearest place of worship, slam down $5 and shout "Salvation, sign me up baby... heaven here I come... where is the buffet?"
Of course, not everybody is going to be fooled by Electrical Engineers, Mathematicians, and Inorganic Chemists, But to make the net just a little more wide theres fucking hundreds of these books. Mainly I stick to Christianity. This is because I talk to these people in order to gain information. However since most seem to be seriously lacking in the brain department, they often refer me to books. I know that they either were converted by this specific book, or their teacher or mentor or Jedi or whatever has said to them "Get people to read this book" So they looked for it, puzzled at the semi-large words on the cover and then saved it as a message in their mobile phone.
There is a specific Author who specialises in writing these books, called Rick Warren, I am hoping to correspond with him in the near future, as my people have contacted his people and we're hoping to work something out.
I am very excited about this, because every other religious zealot I speak to seems to have no fucking clue on what they're talking about. If this guy writes and sells books he's gonna get me somewhere. Oh yeah, and just to add something that pisses me off (as I always do right?) its when fucking Christian hip kids, who you know are doing Christianity because their friends do, tell me that I don't understand because they can't fucking explain things. I don't care if you refer me to books, or people, I will read that shit or seek them out, but don't tell me that I don't understand just because you thought the crucifix was a fucking ultra cool symbol and you need a reason to wear it around your neck every fucking day.

I'm moving to America. A snowy forest bit.

2005-10-31T14:11:15Z

Its too damn hot, so I am moving to America into a snowy forest, as the title of this post suggests.
I phoned America today in order to warn them in advance. "Hello is this America?" "why yes it is" came the reply. "I was just calling to let you know I'm going to be spending 6 months in your snowy woodland area, kind of like that episode of The Soprano's where they chase the shot Russian through the woods, that area looks nice and cold." "Do you have warm clothes, because it is cold" they enquired. "Why yes I do, I also have a bottle of Vodka, because from the information that I've obtained, all tree dwelling Americans sit around, drinking Vodka whilst discussing bears. Then they argue over who was attacked by but then defeated the largest bear. Then there is a minute-long silence to mourn the loss of the bears, because one less bear is one less future target."

There was a slight pause on America's end.

"Well it seems like you're well informed. We will set aside a few blankets and pillows, and make sure to change the soaps." "Thanks, cya."

Everytime I talk to an American they ask if I have Kangaroo's romaing around my dirt farm. I don't have a dirt farm, and the only Kangaroo's I have seen are in a zoo. I beleive they are there to entertain the Japanese because the outback is fucking incovenient.

So, allow me to inform you Mr. and Mrs. American what Australia assumes goes on in America. Firstly, everyone thinks you all carry guns, and that 90% of your problems are solved with an old-west style shootout. "I want the last rack of BBQ ribs!" "Dems fightin' words". Another interesting fact, is that everyone thinks your diet consists entirely of BBQ Ribs, Chicken Wings and Coca Cola. Also, no Australian would be able to tell you how your ecosystem works. We know there is heavily polluted cities, dry deserts, snowy mountains and lush forests, but we have no fuckin idea where abouts they are... we just assume they're thrown together at random safe in the knowledge that they're there... somewhere.
We think tree dwelling Americans sit around and talk about bears whilst sharing a bottle of Vodka, city dwelling americans would push their mother down the subway stairs because they "saw that $10 note first", desert dwelling americans drive around in massive sandcrawlers and steal robots to later sell them to moisture farming jedi, and mountain dwelling americans are annoying teenagers working at ski resorts, mixed with the cast from those TV shows 'Ed' and 'Gilmore Girls'.

Of course, I and many other Australians are aware that America, is not a place with endless cowboys gunfighting over BBQ ribs whilst acting like jawas within plain view of a giant forest covered snowy mountain fraught with bear attacks which are ultimate better than the muggings of the city all whilst under the assumption that Australia is just the way Outback Steakhouse makes it out to be.

On second thought, let us not go to America, for it is a silly place.

Stories from the past.

2005-10-16T11:33:41Z

So the HSC is tomorrow for kids who are younger than me, because I did mine last year. I was talking to people, and they all get wishes of luck from people. You know "Good luck in your exams, man." Yeah... you too, guy."
So I remembered back when I was doing my HSC, and every day before I left for an exam, my dad would wish me luck, and I didn't just wanna say "Thanks" because I'm not a normal person, and my brain doesn't function that way. So on the first day it went "Good luck" and I said "HA! I need no luck" and there was smirks all round and off I went. Then the next exam came along, and I needed to think quick, coz I was already headed out. Making the joke was more stressful to me than the exam itself. So I had to come up with another reply to good luck, that wasn't the norm. I was hard pressed, and it went "Good Luck" followed by me saying "I don't start fights, I end them!" Because I thought if I just inserted another tough guy phrase, it would cover it up. Lucky for my parents that I've grown up around them, and they just know I'm odd.
After time I ran out of tough guy statements, and managed to work my way onto fat guy statements. "Don't stand between me and a breakfast buffet, Dad."

There was also a time way before this, when I was like... 5 or something. I don't know, it was a long time ago to remember this shit. Anyway, my mum used to tell me to get into my pyjama's at the same time every night. Usually I was hesitant to get changed. So this one day I thought I'd surprise my mother by getting changed before she even asked, so when she said "Get into your pyjama's" I could bust out already in my pyjama's and say "HA-HAAA!" and it would be just like magic. I was a nice kid, everyone loves surprises.
So, I got changed and in some colossal break in routine, she didn't ask me to get changed. She hadn't seen me get changed or anything I was in my damn room the whole time, and she just never asked.
I could handle it one night, I was a tough kid (don't start fights, end em, remember?) so I thought I'd just try again the next night. So I did, and she didn't ask AGAIN!
Skip forward to the end of that week, and me, a 5 year old pacing around wondering what this great ploy was, and what happened to asking me to get changed. I had to apply 5 year old logic, because the situation was stressful, and the magic was dying.
My mother was sitting on the lounge, and I approached from behind, already dressed in pyjama's and being careful not to let her see me. I then spoke to her from behind "Hey mum, want me to say... Get changed int my pyjama's?" and just as I was about to say HA-HAA! she replied "No, you're already wearing them, and you've been getting changed without me asking the whole week, so why bother."
GAH! How do mothers know this shit?! Not only that, but I'd ruined my own stunt by trying it and failing too many damn times.

If it doesn't work the first time kids, fuck trying or even trying again.

Finally, some stuff-Geoff-hates that you all so desperately crave. This week, I'm totally PMS'ing about kids who turn on the "show what music is playing" feature in MSN, for the sole purpose of looking hardcore. You can tell these kids, because they're always listening to something horribly rebellious, like Marilyn Manson, and they always skip through all their lame songs to get to them. So you can see them flicking through shit, and then leave it on a rebel song so their friends will say "Hey man, rad song" and they can reply "Yeah" because the kids are so unexciting they don't have anything to talk about except the songs on their playlist and their cats dying. Everyone has stupid and quirky songs that people aren't gonna agree with on their playlist. Listen to them anyway, you don't have to prove anything to people on an MSN list.

If I wanted this shit, I'd have repeated year 9.

2005-10-06T14:09:26Z

Recently, I've been reading the newest Harry Potter book. I must enquire, what the hell is wrong with JK Rowling? Why is this woman a famous writer, when she's potentially one of the worst writers ever. If the story wasn't unique, she would be an utter hack. Seriously.
This whole series of books is going utterly downhill. This book is fucking 50% teenage relationship stories. I don't give a fuck if Ron wants to bang Hermione?! Lets see some fucking magic you fucker! I'm assuming the reason why JK Rowling is doing this, is because this book is aimed at teens. EVEN SO its fucking ridiculous. If I was that age and I wanted this shit, I'd fucking go to school the next day instead of pretending to be sick in order to read fucking Harry Potter books.
The story is becoming secondary to their shitty fucking teen magic school fuckass relationships and its seriously shitting me off. Now, you might look and say "Oh, what a life he has, getting to sit around and bitch about books to a dozen people on the internet... But why does he keep reading them if he hates them so bad?" This is because JK Rowling is a FUCKING ASSHOLE CLIFFHANGER WRITER! Now, here is what that is.

A writer, especially one who is not particularly good at their craft, will come up with an amazing mystery. However, they get so keen on it, they either forget, or can't think of a solution. Now,what happens, is that this mystery must be answered by a different mystery which includes a section of the prior cliffhanger. So basically you get a neverending chain of cliffhangers because bad writers suck ass. Luckily for them this keeps people buying the damn books and makes people like me (who hate them) continue with the series anyway, depsite the fact its turned to trash.

Another thing JK Rowling does, is that instead of giving people incentive to readthe book with the promise of a good story, she's recently taken to the option of "One of your favourite characters will die". I fucking hate when people and writers do this shit. You can write a good story without killing off the decent characters. So not only is she fucking with the character development, but she's fucking with the entire formula that atually made the books decent in the first place. I remember when she didn't even intend to write sequels, just leave the story unfinished, then the money started rolling in because WB bought the fucking rights to a movie and instantly everyone is a fucking harry potter fan to the point where people fucking sort themselves into fucking hogwarts houses. For fucks sake.

So listen here JK Rowling you fucking harpy. I'm on to you, don't think the world is blind to your money hungry ways you horribly written snooty bitch.

If it has content, its not welcome.

2005-10-02T16:17:04Z

Well, as some of you may have noticed, my livejournal is back to the way it was. This is because he image hosting service I was using that said I can hotlink to direct images is obviously a fucking liar community bred by liars on a bed of dirty lies during lie season covered in lie scent.

Regardless. Whenever I update my journal I make sure I make it lenghty, somewhat well written, and mildly entertaining at least. Today, I'm afraid my post has no topic. Yep, its got nothing. Maybe I will even create a double post, so that when you view your friends page, its two posts of just nothing. Complete boring ass nothing.
See, it seems that people enjoy updating their journals in one sentence increments, and then post like, 3 times a fucking day. Why do they even bother? Do you know? Because I sure as hell don't. I guess its mental midgetism on their part.
Peoples MSN spaces seem to have alot more content during updates than people with a livejournal do. I try to make sure that the people on my friends list, even if they don't post regularly, actually post SOMETHING with even THE SMALLEST AMOUNT OF CONTENT!

Here is a nice reminder, to keep all your posts fascinating to read, because if you're just making a livejournal for yourself... well... why would you do that? Just recount your day to your cat or something. But don't take photos.
Anyway
If you're bored, don't get the idea that updating your journal will cure your boredom. Because in reality when you're bored its because you haven't done anything. If you haven't done anything you're gonna have a crappy no content post. See, even when I tried to have a no content post I have managed to squeeze content out of it. Do you see what I do for you people? DO YOU SEE?!

Oh, and the reason the uplategameshow livejournal isn't getting updated is because that show is ultimately fucking excessive pain of the eyes and ears, and me and my uplate companion have found better ways to burn time. Also Hotdogs doesn't fuck up as bad anymore, and when he does fuck up, its something he's already done and we've posted on it, and therefore not worthy of a re-post. I think I may close it soon, but I do have a compilation with which to end it, of Hotdogs best quotes. So if it goes out, it will be in great comedy stylings.

Livejournal Tuesday, with a new Summer look.

2005-09-26T17:27:46Z

Its getting hotter, and I don't like when its too hot to rock.
I wear a lot of longer, winter suited clothes. The only bonus to rocking in the heat is that it kinda loosens you up a little. I can play a bit faster and a little better because my hands aren't cold. I can rock harder because my neck isn't all stiff.
Summer is a time of short but furious performance moments.

So I stay up pretty late regularly, its just the way my sleep patterns are. So the only thing to do really is use the computer and catch up on all my e-tasks, play guitar and watch TV. I don't wanna wake anyone up though, so playing guitar is restricted to unamplified practice sessions and writing. TV is a pretty steady source of entertainment. Late at night on TV there is family sitcoms about black families. I don't hate black families, or their sitcoms. But it raises the question to me, why are all the white people sitcoms on at anywhere between 7pm and 9pm and the black people sitcoms at 3am?

Yes, I figured you out you stupid racist TV networks. I would like some hush money in a bag with a big dollar sign on it soon.

Also, late at night on TV, there is a lot of informercials marketed at people who would not be awake at this hour. Are the people that are interested in plastic cookware awake at 3am? No, they're not. Are the people that want their teeth whitened by lasers awake at 3am? No, they're not. In fact, most of these informercials are marketed at middle aged women, who all live from 6am to 10pm.

The only informercials that are correctly slated for the 3am timeslot, are the acne ones. Because you know theres some pimply teens who are sitting around doing whatever it is that they're doing, who want to look nice and will try ProActive. The problem with these infomercials is that they show celebrities 'acne problems' and I say that in inverted commas because celebrity acne problems consist of a single uncoloured dot on the underside of their chin.
Puff Daddy, Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, your 'horrible acne' makes most kids look like oil refineries. I don't want anyone to die, but if a kid was gonna kill themself, I would like to see the social stigma that would be attatched to admitting it was because the ProActive infomercial made you feel like shit.

The paper gets delivered to my house everyday at like, 4am. This is my opposite alarm clock. If I hear the paper get delivered, then I know I've stayed up late. Maybe I should take a job as the guy who delivers the paper at this ridiculous hour, because I'm up this late anyway, and it would be better and more financially satisfying than informercials and racist networks with their ill timed sitcoms. I think I hear the paper. Now I know I've stayed up late.

Don't let your pets get snap happy.

2005-09-22T06:02:35Z

Ok, so I don't have a lot to tell. So I'm going to recall some previous installments of funny that didn't seem to be livejounral worthy at the time, but as a collective they deserve a post.

There was this time a few weeks ago, and I was watching a true crime show (does it seem like every fucking show is about law and crime these days?) and it was about these two girls who had been kidnapped and driven halfway across the country by some psychotic drunk guy. He'd kidnapped them from some makeout point in America.
So anyway, these two girls are expecting to be raped and killed probably, but lucky for them the police found this guy in time and shot him. Oh, and thats not before one of the girls stabs this guy in the neck, and when they thought they were away he comes back from the dead to put them back in his truck. Then makes one of them wipe away his dripping neck blood as he's driving.
I don't think this guy really had his heart set on killing anyone that day. If a girl I had kidnapped stabbed me in the neck, it'd be lights out.
So anyway, the funny part of this story is they were interviewing one of the actual girls who got kidnapped for this show, and the interviewer says "I beleive whilst driving he was listening to... this song" and he points at the ceiling, then Last Resort by Papa Roach comes on really loud, and the girl just bursts into tears.
But to make it worse, the show then plays a gun and knife murder montage to the tune of this song. Way to go Papa Roach, way to scar people for life you assholes.

I think I have backwards ow syndrome. For example, I will say ow when I just bump into a door frame, and it doesn't hurt at all. But if I actually do hurt myself, like when I stabbed myself in the foot with the end of a guitar string, I just make that noise where you suck air in through your teeth.

The other day I was in an elevator at a shopping mall, and there was this woman who was making a direct line for this elevator. So I held the door for her, and she started a little jog, just so I wouldn't have to hold the door for long, so she gets to JUST before the elevator, I mean like, less than a meter and then she just makes an abrupt turn and GOES AROUND!? Seriously, this woman was looking right at me with knowing and thankful eyes, until she diverted her path around the fucking elevator. I was pissed, because I looked stupid, and now I'm not gonna hold elevators for anyone from now on, unless the yell at me "Hold that Elevator!" or something to that effect. How do you like that you damn elevator dodger?

I got really pissed off when viewing some peoples MSN My Spaces. Because they just had fucking photo's of their pets in different situations. Here is my cat sleeping. Here is my cat eating. Here is my cat posing for a photo. I had to add in some kind of hate.

Drunk Mentality

2005-09-20T04:16:56Z

I really hate when people sign on to MSN messenger or make a livejournal post with the sole purpose of telling the world they are drunk.
Where is the drunk mentality? "I'm pretty smashed, I guess I'll go update my livejournal" or "Hrmm, I'm getting a bit drunk now, I guess I'll go tell my friends and colleagues on MSN"
Now, I don't care if you're sitting at home using the computer, and you're having a few drinks, but if you've been out partying, why the fuck would you want to go online?
I've been drunk on many occasions, and the ideas are always "Man, I'm hungry" or "Should I break stuff?" I can honestly say its never been "Whoa, its time for a livejournal update" In fact, when I'm drunk I'm pretty sure I'd not even realise the internet exists.
So, this leads me to one explanation.

You're not drunk at all you fucking silly.

You just want other people to think you are, because it will sound tough or some shit. Hell, even if you are wasted and using the computer, it shouldn't really cross your mind to tell everyone that you're drunk, or to apologise for your mistakes because you're drunk. (If you're just a bad speller and you use the drunk excuse, stop that.) If you were drunk, when someone points out a spelling error, the reply shouldn't be "Oh yeah, I'm drunk" as ALL of these people ALWAYS say. It should be something along the lines of "WHGAT? SPOELLINBG ERROER? ARE YOIU SOLME KINDS OF CVUNT?"

I should change the name of this journal to "Stuff Geoff Hates".

Caught you watching me.

2005-09-15T07:26:59Z

Usually I'm really uncomfortable with a room where there is two access points. I don't like the idea that someone could easily sneak up on me. Its even worse when the doors are easily accessed via the other because my friends know about my phobia.
So if theres a room, two doors, and simply a hallway around it that connects the two doors, so you can exit one and easily enter the other in a manner of seconds... people will leave the room under the guise of getting something to eat or drink, then come around through the other door and scare the living bastard christ out of me.
I spook like this easily. I fucking despise when people sneak up on me.
My fear of being surprised by fear goes to the extent of me not wanting to close my eyes for an extended period of time. I have no trouble sleeping, because I go to bed when I'm tired (makes sense to me) but when I could have my eyes open and I have to close them, I get very uncomfortable. This is making me sound really paranoid, but its just that my friends are assholes and prey on weakness.
If I'm in the shower, and I have to wash my face, I try really hard to keep my eyes open, because the noise of the shower makes it even easier for people to sneak up on me. So if I do close my eyes, when I open them, I point towards the door and say "HA-HA!" because if there is someone there, I will look awesome, considering I KNEW they were there, and also, it makes them look shit at sneaking. So I win all round and no-one can claim that I'm a nancy and easily shocked.
Of course, if there is no-one there, then no harm done right?

PS Here is a fact for you all to know.
The feeling before you confirm whats scary is horror, after the fact is terror.
For example, if you think theres a spooky monster in your cupboard and you're scared to open it because of that fact, its horror. When you open it and confirm that there is indeed a monster inside, thats terror. Have fun with that.

Dear Sam.

2005-09-14T15:33:54Z

Considering that you've voided all other means of contact after your outburst this evening, I have no choice but to post my reply here. I regret that anyone can read it, but I know for a fact that you are part of anyone and will get to this at some stage. Hopefully you will post a comment, making yourself look ultimately more retarded than you already do.

Just because I pointed out your flaws and proved you to be a moron and a liar, doesn't mean you can abuse me, then remove all means of reply. If you didn't want your intelligence questioned, then you shouldn't have made such an ass of yourself in the first place.

If you're going to be a dickhead, then I will tell you you're acting like a dickhead and explain why. If your friends think you're stupid now, I don't entirely see it as an insult to you, but more revealing the truth to them. Also, being a male, I can confidently inform you that I'm hardly prone to vaginal infections as you seem to enjoy suggesting I am.

Don't make me angry Sam, or I will wreck your hat. Not just any hat, but your nicest hat, and if you cry I will stab you in the eyes. Then if you complain, I will stab you in the cat.

Don't pirate music.

2005-09-11T14:21:58Z

I really hate stupid and annoying people. Which is like 90% of the population. I may have previously stated that I run on the basis of not liking people until I have enough information about their character to make an accurate judgement. People have said alot of stupid things recently and it totally fucking plagues me where they get it from. Theres a few main offenders. I won't mention anything yet, because I have to let certain things pass a certain date. Enough with the fucking fucker stupids. Me and a friend of mine have set up a livejournal account to record the Uplate Idiocy of Simon "Hotdogs" Deering, who is just the worst fucking person imaginable to give a live TV show to. uplategameshow is where its located. Go and have a look. For those that don't know, this guy is an ex Big Brother housemate who was for some fucking ungodly demon reason given his own TV show... He's fucking so bad at it. God damn. Theres only one or two posts there, but they are from a single episode each, so its an indicator of how often this guy does something moronic for us to make fun of.

I can't remember my post.

2005-09-08T14:11:20Z

So I was at the cinema the other day, and in the previews, or before them I was talking to my girlfriend and I said something really funny. Like, witty funny in that when you read girl magazines they get letters in from girls and stuff who say "I like a guy who has a good sense of humour and can make me laugh" It was that kind of funny. It wasn't toilet humour. It was good, old fashioned funny.

And now, I can't fucking remember it for the life of me. When I said it, I was like "Damn, thats funny, I'll remember that so I can write it in my livejournal, and everyone can see how great I am, and then I will look at it at a later date and laugh". Now I can't remember fucking funny joke. I really hate when the cinema sends out those waves of entertainment that make my brain shut down to a state where I'm just thinking "Ooh, colours" and then I forget funny jokes I made before the movie started.

Some great jokes come from that period of time. Prior to previews, when you're sitting down in the theatre itself. Many people don't know it, but some classics like "Whats the hardest part about rollerblading? Telling your parents you're gay" came from that period before the movie starts. Its where comedians go for inspiration. They take a notepad. I know this, I have comedian friends, they hang out in the pilots bar with my space friends. But then again, you never get alot of the jokes. Brain obliterating films and all.

So if you think of a funny joke, write it down, or leave the cinema because you won't remember it afterwards.

Ultimate Sex Pirate!

2005-09-02T04:19:37Z

So if any of you are looking for gifts for family or friends (fathers day is this weekend) have you considered a disease? Perhaps even a terminal one? "I gave my dad HIV for fathers day"

Cute, no?
You can buy the whole disease spectrum!
From Giardia

To Flesh Eating Bacteria!

Awww, look at the little knife and fork. He'll eat your flesh but warm your heart!

You can actually order these from http://www.teachersource.com/ Enjoy and have a fun disease giving day!

Harassing the Jeep enthusiasts

2005-08-10T17:12:50Z

Oh My God, its my first poast (credit, mitchell) since like... a while. Onward. So basically I get really bored, and this is because I don't actually do alot of stuff. Lately it has led to me harassing Jeep enthusiasts via their forums. I will not name the forums or give a URL, because its my beleif that these jeep lovers are now after my sweet sexy blood. If they find my livejournal, they get my name, and email and so on it will continue down the line, until the track me down, and flatten me with their varying levels of toughness jeeps, then strap me to the hood... whatever Anyway, to them I am simply known as "go_to_Jeep_billy" with the stupidly fake email g otojeepbilly@hotmail.com.

So, as a part of their forums they have a section where you get to show off your jeep to the populace. I commented first on all of their jeeps.

"MY Jeep will blow your jeep out of the fucking water"
"This Jeep looks easily crushed by dinosaurs, whereas my jeep is dino-proof"
"Is this your wifes Jeep? Where is your Man jeep?"

And so forth. This was pretty annoying, and soon enough people started demanding to see my awesome Jeep. I was pretty fucked, because I don't own a Jeep, nor do I know anyone that does. I can hardly take a photo of myself with some random ass jeep, so as a last resort I went with the stupid option. To paintshop the dumbest Jeep pictures I could think of. Firstly, they demanded to see a picture of me IN my jeep, to prove it was in fact my jeep.
My proof?

Ridiculous, I know.
They also demanded to see the awesome features of my jeep, and what made my jeep so cool, and what made their jeeps such nancy jeeps. I came up with:

Naturally, my time amongst the Jeep enthusiasts was short lived, and I was swiftly booted from their ranks.
As an amusement I will also post on a woodworking forum, and give really useless advice using the most incoherent technical fake jargon I can muster. I am such a nuisance, even I piss me off sometimes.

PS, I realise that my name could have been obtained from my photospit account. I am currently scared, so don't bother posting that fact.

Ninjas suck!

2005-07-21T15:25:35Z

Which is better, Pirates or Ninjas and why?
and..... go!

Its ALIVEjournal.

2005-07-18T14:22:28Z

My website is nearing completion! After about 60 delays its finally looking like something neat! Its been reworked and changed and chopped so many times but now.... now it is good and on the brink of publication.
I can promise:

Googly Eyed Hitler
Offensive Gumby Cartoons
Ads that offend the poor and expectant mothers
Encouraging kids to get AIDS
How to write rap songs
Hand drawn artwork
Depictions of Planes Crashing
Stupid Adventures
The colours red, white and black
Arguments about superheroes
AND WAY MORE!

Its crazy. Hopefully the next post I make will be of the URL so you can all visit.

The bad joke trip.

2005-07-17T15:13:10Z

Ok anyone who reads my livejournal regularly will remember that a little while ago I did a livejourney to shmivejournal (ha!) and it was kinda fun. The only bad thing about it was I gave up and it lacked humour. Also that I didn't wanna confuse everybody so I had to leave the post about the livejourney as the most recent and therefore could not update. This sucked to me.
So once again I am embarking on a grand journey. This one is called the Bad Joke Trip. Here is how it will go:
I am going to leave the safety of my humble journal and work my way out 50 friends of friends. Similar to last time. Then when I am 50 friends of friends away, I will try to find my way back along a different path. The catch this time however is every journal I visit I will be posting a lame joke. No explanation will be given as to why I have posted a lame joke on your journal, the only way you will find out, is if you are reading this right now.
And so, I depart good people of the journal. I will give some updates along the way.

Heres an inside joke for you motherfucker!

2005-07-15T06:49:10Z

Ok, two things that piss me off are:
When someone will make a joke AT YOU whilst no-one else is around, and the joke is a fucking colossal failure and not funny in the slightest fucking possible way and the joke teller will go for a cheap save with "Oh, haha, it was an inside joke"
NOITSNOTANINSIDEJOKE!
You fucked up, accept it, lets move on. Not everyone is funny 24 hours a day, you can make mistakes, but don't try to tell me that it was an inside joke because we now both know you're a liar.
Dear anyone who uses inside jokes on people who aren't on the inside when no-one who is in on it is around:
You're a gay fag.
The other thing I hate is when people post their inside jokes on their livejournal in one sentence increments that no-one is gonna get except for one specific person. Explain your joke, so that everyone can enjoy the joke. Don't be a joke hog you fucking hogger of jokes.
PS. If you don't share the joke because you don't think anyone else will find it funny, then don't post it, because it annoys me, and don't annoy me, because... I'm cool?

Money!

2005-07-11T11:34:20Z

I'm really good at Texas Hold'em. Like, really really good.

You want this fork... IS THIS YOUR FORK? Fork rape is no laughing matter.

2005-07-05T14:05:49Z

Fork is a funny word if you say it too much.
Anyway, I was bored and figured I need to come here and post something for everybody to read.
A very short while ago I posted some haiku's and one of them at the end said "I don't want a fork." Even though at the time I explained that it was more relevant to real life than the haiku, I will explain it in richer detail for everybody... now.
So there is this fork in the study/office/spare room, whatever you want to call it, and its been here for a good while. Its clearly the product of someone having eaten something here and then taken away the plate or dish and left the fork behind. Poor fork, nobody loves you. Or so I thought.
Anyway the fork became one of those things that just stays where its at. Like I could take it to the kitchen, its not veery far, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna. The fork was there for maybe a bit over a week or so, and my friend comes over and he's playing with an MP3 player. I was gonna say iPod coz thats what it was but I didn't wanna do product placement. Shit too late now, anyway.
He was struggling to get the thing out of this industrial case he had purchased for it, which has this clip thingy on the back, similar to a phone cover.
He was going at it for like 10 minutes while I was posting and browsing the net, then he frantically started searching the room. He was like a rabid animal, crazy with not being able to open this contraption, which had enslaved his treasured music.
It was then that his eyes lit up, he had seen the light... and it was fork shaped. It was then that he yelled at me "DUDE! Do you want this fork?! IS THIS YOUR FORK?!" And I'm like "Yeah, its my fork, its in my house, who would leave it here, random fork guy? Forks Anonymous or FA for short? The Fork Police? But no I don't want it, by all means go ahead." So then he used the fork to pry open this case thing and get the MP3 player out.
After this was the only time I have ever heard the term "That was a good fork" used. I'm not sure if he was talking directly to the fork, like when people talk to dogs after they learn to sit "That was a good doggy" etc. Or if he was passing judgement on the whole situation as an afterthought. Like after sex or something.
"Sweetheart, that was the best fork I've ever had"
Haha, that worked out better than I had originally planned. He left pretty soon after the forking. I would have too if I'd done it at someone elses house (not that I fork things open at my own house). I guess it kinda shows how nuts some people will go when they get frustrated. Maybe he will claim now that the fork was an experience, maybe he left early to do something else while thinking about the fork. Come to think of it, I haven't seem him or that fork for a while now. Someone call The Fork Police, I have a fork rapist on my hands I think.

I hate metal genres.

2005-07-05T02:57:35Z

Metal Genres are going on the Hate List. Why? Because there is 80 million of them and all of them are totally unnecessary! Also, no-one outside of the metal community knows what the fuck they are. Go up to someone who doesn't listen to metal and say "I like Gothenburg Sound Bands" they will look at you like you just contaminated their water supply in the foulest imaginable way (confused, hurt and a little disgusted). If you go up to a metal head and say "I like pop music" or "I like rap" they won't like you, but they will know wtf you are talking about. So why not just say to people who don't like metal "I like metal" WHY? WHY?!?! BECAUSE YOU WILL BE FUCKING CHASTISED BY EVERYONE ELSE WHO LIKES METAL FOR NOT BEING A FUCKING ELITIST! THATS WHY! God Damnit. I hate it as much as those kids who hand around outside Utopia. If you know these kids, punch them in the face for me.

Superheroes are the worst friends of all...

2005-07-01T06:18:19Z

When I was at school, all my friends used to argue about who was better between superman and batman. Everyone would be standing in a circle as per usual, and then someone would just say "Batman is pretty cool, maybe cooler than Superman" and it this point, I am thinking 'Jesus fucking christ here we go'. Then one of the people who favour superman would get worked up, and this would end up in very heated debate, oftentimes physical violence was threatened, and occasionally, enacted. After about 20 minutes or so of yelling about Superheroes, the consensus was usually that while Batman was cooler, Superman was better at his job.
This is where things got really tricky.
Everyone understood the fact that Batman is cooler, Superman is superior hero. HOWEVER! if someone was to say this out loud, then the whole argument would restart. "So Batman is cooler, but Superman is definately a better Superhero." Followed by about three seconds silence and then...

"WHAT THE FUCK? WHO SAID THAT. SUPERMAN IS COOL YOU FUCKING GAY ASSHOLE, COOLER THAN YOU, AT LEAST YOU SWEATY BITCH!"
"WELL HE CAN BE FUCKING 50 TIMES COOLER THAN ME BUT HE STILL DOESN'T HAVE FUCK ALL ON BATMAN DOES HE YOU FUCKER!"
"OF COURSE HE'S COOLER THAN BATMAN. EVERYBODY LIKES HIM AND THAT FUCKING MAKES HIM COOLER. COOLNESS IS MEASURED BY POPULARITY."
"FUCK OFF! COOLNESS IS MEASURED BY HOW COOL PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE GENERALLY. BATMAN IS THE FUCKING DARK KNIGHT MOTHERFUCKER! WHAT THE FUCK IS COOLER THAN THAT?"
"SUPERMAN!"
"I FUCKING HATE YOU! IF YOU DON'T THINK BATMAN IS COOLER THAN SUPERMAN, THEN WE JUST AREN'T FRIENDS ANYMORE! HOW CAN I MAINTAIN A FRIENDSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO THINKS THIS WAY?"
"WELL I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. IF YOU THINK SOME GUY IS A FUCKING SUPERHERO BECAUSE OF FUCKING GADGETS AND NOT ACTUAL POWERS THEN YOU ARE A DICKHEAD ANYWAY."
"JUST BECAUSE HE USES GADGETS DOESN'T MEAN HE'S FUCKING LESS EFFECTIVE. HE STILL FUCKING STOPS CRIME FOR FUCKS SAKE, AND THAT MAKES HIM A GOOD SUPERHERO"
"IT MAKES HIM A FUCKING INVENTOR. ANYONE COULD BE A FUCKING SUPERHERO WITH THAT SHIT STRAPPED TO THEIR ASSES. BATMAN ISN'T SPECIAL. SUPERMAN IS FUCKING RAW TALENT"
"OK! So maybe Superman would be more effective. But in Gotham, Batman is a very appropriate hero to have"
"Alright, so we're cool then"
"Yeah, we're cool. COOL LIKE BATMAN WHO IS FUCKING BOATLOADS COOLER THAN SUPERMAN YOU FUCKING COCKASS"

This is why I sucked at school.